Monday, 2 September 2013

Day 19 (Getting there, slowly but surely)

So the Sunday is over. Now only two Sundays left before exam. Whoa! That’s getting a wee bit scary now. Not even three weeks left. The monstrosity called EXAMS is approaching closer as each day passes by. I can see the dark clouds on the horizon, and the winds of time are blowing in my direction. Soon I will be staring exams right into the eyes. And that’s freaking me out now. I never had this bad case of exam phobia. It would be easy to blame it on the residency. Because, prior to this, I never had the fear of unknown. But now that fear is totally debilitating and incapacitating. It’s like my handicap. I need to be strong. Just like from the movie Rocky, no fear no fear no fear no fear…………

Got a little off track there, didn’t I? So coming down to how the day went, well again, I woke up late. Nothing unusual about it. But then I gained momentum as the day passed. Somehow I managed to finish the chapter of Esophagus, only from Bailey and Love albeit. I had planned to read the operative part from Maingot. But the day is over now and I am sleepy now (I don’t wanna resort to caffeine to stimulate my brain cuz then I will be bouncing off the walls till early morning). And honestly I napped for almost two hours in the afternoon and post dinner I went down to the supermarket and stationary shop to run some errands and have whiled away time since then. From the practical schedule I finished reading Dyphagia. I realized that Hematemesis is in the next chapter that is due tomorrow, Stomach. So instead I read a topic from endoscopy. But my biggest misery, that I am not at all confident of what I have read, and I don’t remember a word I read and wont recall anything in exam, continues to plague me. Now I am really bad at rote learning. Mugging is not my cup of tea. Oh no, my brain doesn’t work that way. I have to first grasp things and make mental images. That’s the how wheels move in my head. So I have decided to revise Esophagus along with entire GUT along the way, in bits and pieces, as the circumstances permit.
Today I was really a good boy when it came to eating. For breakfast I had a bowl of muesli. Lunch consisted of spiced chickpeas and at dinnertime, I had chicken noodle soup. But then I had go and ruin everything at the end of the day by having a big slice of black forest cake (which was bad anyways) and 200ml of grape juice ( with sugar added in it, saw it later, they didn’t have my usual brand). Damn. Why the hell do they have that stationary and cake shop side by side? It’s not my fault. The reason am so agitated at myself right now is that the cake wasn’t even good. Not like that red velvet cake I mentioned before. Ummmmm …..Now that was a really great cake. That classic mouthwatering moment this is.

Something really funny happened with me in afternoon.  I was getting doozy from all the brain wrecking with Esophageal Motility Disorders, so I started playing music on my phone. Half way through the song, Bridge of light I suddenly felt the urge to cry. Sort of everything that happened in last 4 and half years just flashed before my eyes. All the injustices, all the torture, all the insults came running to me as it was all yesterday. I felt a lump in my throat. But as usual, I couldn’t just let it out. Was unable to blow the lid off to provide a vent to my emotions. So instead of crying it out, I decided to pray. And I actually did feel much better after prayers. Though I had some pretty weird dreams involving my department after that when I went off to sleep but still I woke up fresh.

So I decided. Enough is enough. And this fight that I am fighting, it’s just not for me alone. It’s also a fight for my parents, my wife, my kid and all those people who believe in me. All those people who put up for me. I can’t let these people down this time again. I WILL GET IN THERE AND I WILL GET IT GOOD.

So just in order to constantly remind me of the tasks ahead and to keep myself on track, I decided to take help from two small objects. First is a very old ring that belongs to my late grandfather whom I used to call dada. It’s a silver ring with I don’t know which stone set in it, in fact even the setting has come off a bit loose. The dirty green stone is all wobbly in the silver right. In fact this ring is so old that I don’t remember dada wearing it ever in my whole life. I had accidentally come across it when we were sorting out his stuff after he passed away. I kept it with me as his memory even though it was way loose on all my fingers back then, I was not this fat always!!!  The second is that yellow rubber band with “LIVESTRONG” etched on it which I guess needs no introduction. Had bought it during my boho days in college when it was fashionable to sport ‘em. I actually do have them in other colors but I guess yellow is the color of cheerfulness (that’s why the smiley is yellow, isn’t it?). So right now I am donning these two things as a constant reminder to get my act straight this time and not screw up.

No comments:

Post a Comment