Friday, 20 September 2013

Day 1

Okay. So I ran out of time. Exam begin tomorrow. And am a bundle of wretched nerves. In a state of total disarray. I am going crazy right now. If I survive this ordeal then will post in detail about what exactly transpired. Right now I do not have  the strength for it. I have decided that  I will not post during exams or rather about exams, sort of superstitious there. Will post everything once exams get over. Bye. Take care fellow people.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Day 2 (same old, same old)

Here we are standing on the threshold of the exams. And yet reading nothing. Why? you may ask. Well, it is because I JUST CAN'T STUDY. That is it. I feel that the hard drive of my tiny little brain is overloaded and is about to crash. And we don't really want that, do we? So here I am, with my misery full galore. Even wifey decided to use up her leave for the oncoming holidays and instead come home to support me or rather ensure that I run away from exam. How pathetic am I? So another day went by and I didn't touch the books. I find them revolting and I cant help it. Everyone around me is upset and stressed out because of me and that includes my in-laws. I really don't mean to hurt them all, but then I cant help it either. I tried so hard for so long but now somebody has to understand me. Nobody does that. God Please help me. Only you can get me out of this mess. I promise to be nice human being, but just for once I need to clear this exam. Sigh.....

Tuesday, 17 September 2013


I feel like a prisoner on a death row. slowly but surely waiting for the end to come. slow agonizing wait. but one day everything will be over.

PS :  I meant the exams would be over!!! me? nah, am not going anywhere. 

Day 3

The Bad state still continues. The more I try to brush it away, more the injustice done to me floats in front of my eyes. I was never a bad student. Always the straight A types. Then where the hell did I go wrong. I wasted today also. Didn't read a word. Now nothing left to be done except to pray to God. Only He can extricate me out of this misery. Don't feel like writing anymore. Goodbye.

Day 4 (horrible day)

Today was horrible. Too painful for me to write about it here. Something happened that really left me hurting and sad. Let us just say it was like a blast from the past. And one thing reminded of the other and suddenly the floodgates of misery and depression were opened. I slept for most of the day. Read only for one hour today. Ended up hurting everyone around me. Does that make me bad? Cause I am not a bad person. I really do care about people around me. But right now am in such a terrible place, that I just cant see beyond myself. Still that does not make me good. Am bad, very bad, I guess.

And yeah, looking at the state of things right now, my previous post Failure. An Inspiration?  sounds sort of redundant.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Failure. An Inspiration?

Every situation will throw up winners as well as losers. Defeat can be turned into a victory by a shift in the attitude. Those who lose, in a way, have a better chance to be successful. These people work harder and smarter the next time while the winners have the tendency to take it easier. It is sort of that fable, the hare and the tortoise. The people, who lose, as long as they keep their head on their shoulders and a positive spirit and don’t lose belief in themselves, can be winners as well.
The world is full of examples of people who were considered failures and then went on to become super successful. Or did not have the right start in life but persevered against whatever situation life threw at them, to overcome all the obstacles and become successful.

These people saw something special in themselves that helped them ignore the opinions of others about them and to remain self-confident. Loss can be unnerving and depressing if we lose faith in ourselves. If we remain focused on how others see us in our defeat, we will be stuck forever. If we start believing that others are laughing at us, pitying us or thinking any less about us because of our failure we need to ignore that and focus on ourselves instead.

The first step is the acceptance of the situation. I have mentioned this before in the words of Oprah Winfrey. And also we need to accept that we lost because we did lack something. There is no point in playing the blame game. We will end up hurting ourselves more. Focus on the mistakes, understand them and try to work on those areas. Improve ourselves. Channel our energies towards something more suitable to us. This may help us to shift onto something bigger and better.

Day 5

Huh. Just another sad day. Went off to sleep early and woke up early. Said my prayers, drank my coffee and then as usual went of to sleep. Finally started reading at around noon but that continued till 2 pm. Had a nap for two hours. Woke up and then sincerely studied till 6:30 pm when wifey dearest decided to give a sudden surprise visit. Tried reading despite of her being home, but couldn't. So gave up everything and ended up horsing around with darling daughter and wifey dearest. Had great time. It was as if the clouds of exam had lifted off and sunshine of happiness filled my world. But as they say, everything good has to come to an end. So wifey went off to sleep early, she was tired of travelling and having spent the last two nights sleepless in the Neonatal ICU monitoring and treating tiny little poor babies. I am so proud of her. She is a really great gal, and am really lucky to have her. And my little angel. The moment I look at her all my worries just melt away and before I realize I am grinning from ear to ear. Even my parents are absolutely crazy about her and dote on her. In fact she is closest to her grandma than anyone else. Oh, she is the cutest little girl in the world, of course she takes after her dad, yours truly, except for my eyes. She has her mother's eyes, big brown eyes with really long and beautifully curved lashes, touch wood ( though I wish she had green like mine). I think this the first time I am writing about my family in this much depth. Even my parents are great. In fact I am really lucky to have such a great family and should be thankful to God for it. I have really been blessed. I should quit focusing on what I don't have and be thankful and cherish for what I have. Being a surgeon, I have seen lots of people suffering terrible diseases, and believe me there is no better gift of God than a healthy body. I pray to God that am thankful for all the good things he has given me, and also to give me strength to tide over the current miseries in my life. Ameen.
Regarding the Fat Fighting Mission, as mentioned earlier, everything is on the back burner. Today brekkie and lunch were very much under control, but since wifey came home had a very delicious but heavy dinner whipped up by mom and a large bowl of  ice cream.  So there you go. And by the way, I have gained 4.5 Kg or for the american friends I am up by 9.9 that is almost 10 pounds. So the current weight is 94.5 Kg or 208.3 pounds. Back in the 200 from the magical 'onederland'. Sigh. But be positve. Everything will be fine. Aal is well, aal is well, aal is well...........

Saturday, 14 September 2013

Day 6 (the day of the big blues)

Could not sleep whole night. Was too tired to sleep. When morning dawned, I decided to put on a brave front, guzzled gallons of coffee and decided to read. But that was an exercise in futility. By mid morning I fell asleep. Woke up after couple of hours, had lunch and sat down to read again. And that's where the big wave of depression swept in. It was mind numbing. Suddenly it seemed the sunshine had vanished from this earth. I just kept sitting there staring at my book hoping that something would happen. It’s such a debilitating feeling. So again I did what I do best. The ostrich. Went off to sleep again. Had a nap in bits and pieces. Still nothing changed on waking up. It was as if the walls were closing on me. It was so bad. I prayed and prayed. Finally in the evening it got too much to bear. Decided to chuck everything and went to D-mart with mom to get some groceries. And that’s when my aunt and uncle dropped in. Honestly initially I wasn’t that excited to see them. I actually loathed the thought of going back home and meeting them. But when I went home, my uncle sat me down as he wanted my consultation on his health. From what he told me, he too, I guess, is suffering from depression due to business related aspects. He was referred to a psychiatrist by his physician but didn’t keep up the appointment. When he described his symptoms, man it was like looking into the mirror and he too felt the same when I told him about my predicament. It felt so good. Meeting a person in flesh who is suffering the same as you are, is so different. Interacting and discussing with people about your problems anonymously on internet is no way close to it. I mean no offence to all those internet friends of mine, you guys are great, your help is way too immense. But this was sort of an exhilarating experience, a sort of catharsis for me. I feel much better. Actually lighter. It helped a lot to talk it out.

Coming back to reading, it’s all down the drain. No studies except for a bird’s eye view of the chapter of intestinal obstruction. That is it. And regarding eating, it’s still a tightrope balancing act. Bye folks.

Oh dear....

Less than 6 days! It is already mid-day of the 6th day before the exam. And suddenly I have developed this aversion to studying. No, it is not that I had some affinity for that, so as to say, but right now even the mere thought of studying makes me nauseous. I am feeling totally blue. I couldn't sleep whole night. And in morning too slept for only 2 and half hours. Damn all that coffee that I drink. Coming back to reading, am totally confused now what to do. A part of me says read everything while another part says that read only the previous questions asked. But I guess now, there is time for neither. And it is dilemma which is keeping me farther away from the books. Somewhere I feel that this is the second trial, who cares about me? Exam is just going to be a formality. But then knowing my department, it wouldn't be the case. I can't fail this time or I wouldn't be able to face the world. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I cant study. I cant. I just cant.

Oh by the way the nightmares are back. I am quite surprised that this time they took so long to come.I don't remember what I dreamt today but it must have been something bad because I didn't wake up feeling good. One more thing to deal with, when already my hands are full with so many things. 

Friday, 13 September 2013

Day 7 OMG!!!

Less than a week left and am still struggling with the reading. Haven'st still found my groove yet. Don't what is going to become of me. Seriously. 

And here we are........

So only 7 days left. Not even complete 7 days. It reminds of the last time when I had moved back to my college from my home or was rather forced to move. Only 7 days were remaining and so much was left to read. It is like I am staring into the past with a very vivid image right before my eyes. And it is scary. I don't know what am i going to do? Only 7 days left! Now there is no scope to postpone reading any topic. I have already messed up all that I could have. Anything more and it would be a suicide. Oh God, lets not use that word, it has been darting in and out of my mind since one week. but don't worry I won't do it or anything else stupid this time. I just want to pass, get my degree and get job. I don't care how low paying job I get but I just want to stand on my own feet and stop depending on  my dad. And I would prefer a teaching job. I love teaching students. Wish me all the best.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Day 8

The baby steps continue. Still stuck with topics started yesterday. The wall are closing on me it seems. Situations is getting tighter and tighter. Right now am staring at the repetition of last time. Those 7 days.

Day 9

A new beginning. A small step. A final fight to finish.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Day 10 (Screwed!!!)

Only 9 days remain now. Today was the usual. slept till 2 p.m. Am I sick or something, I just cant get out of the bed. Finally I dragged myself out of bed, still i didn't start reading till 5 p.m. How stupid can I be? I am really short of time now. I have got nothing prepared. Shit!!! Colossal shit!!! I am reading only important topics. And that is not how it is done. In fact I had read much more last time! And still I failed (for reasons right or wrong, I don't care at this moment). What am I going to do this time? It is bad, really bad. Now things have gone past repair. It is not even do or die. Not enough time for 'do'. Why am I such an ass. I ruined all the chances I got. And my weight watching has gone for a toss. I really don't bother about that right now. Everything else in on the back burner till this exam charade gets over. I need strength.
Sorry for such brief and whiny posts. Can't help it till exams. Promise I will do better irrespective of the outcome.

Day 11 (a day almost wasted)

Slept from 11 p.m. previous night till 2 p.m. today afternoon. Suddenly at 5 p.m. it hit me that I should be studying or it will be too late to salvage anything. But that continued till 9 p.m. when I got derailed again. And nothing since. Please God help me. I don't want to fail this time. And I don't know but I have developed this inherent hatred for studies. I just can't do it but I will have to because there is no way out. Only a miracle can save my sorry self. 

Day 12 (misery continues)

Sorry for being late on the update. Well, there is nothing to update. Totally wasted. I am ashamed of myself.

Saturday, 7 September 2013

Day 13 (the end, or well almost the end)

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,
When he beats his bars and would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings –
I know why the caged bird sings

A Nice Poem I came across. ( hint : title of a very famous autobiography)

So now only 12 days left!!! My nerves are prepping themselves up for a state of madness, the exam frenzy. That severe stress, days rushing by, life being a general blur, not knowing day from night, high on adrenaline and of course caffeine, that is what exam time is all about for me. But this time it will be different. Not in the above mentioned way, but no more getting depressed that I don’t know anything. Actually now I do realize that I have read and I do have knowledge and all I have to do is to brush up everything. Though now I have gone from three days per chapter of GIT to three chapters in one day. But what the heck, I will pull through. God is with me. They can’t beat me down. I almost finished reading Anal canal and it’s still 10 p.m. So I do have time yet for finishing a couple of more topics and a rapid revision thrown in.

Food wise, whoa! Situation under control. 5 small wheat pancakes with honey and cup of milk for breakfast, 5 rotis and potato and shrimp gravy. And for dinner I had two bowls of chicken noodle soup and one table spoon of vanilla ice cream. That’s all I had in whole day with few cups of coffee here and there. At least that part of my life is under control. I wish other things too followed the suit.

Today had sort of a blast from the past. I had a chat with a classmate turned senior turned consultant of mine. I had decided never to talk to him again. Last time he called I was colder than the ice. But this time I thawed a wee bit. Poor chap is not in good frame of things right now. No job security, actually no job at present, personal life gone awry and rest everything also not hunky dory exactly. Now, before you start to think that what a jerk I am gloating at someone else’s misery, let me tell you that it is not true. This guy used to be my friend till he went and stabbed me in my back. Yeah, he is partly responsible for the mess that I am in today, and no one knows this better than him, he knows he is guilty. My point is that, there is a philosophy I strongly believe in; whatever goes around comes around. You do pay for your deeds. May be sooner may be later. But right here. In one way or the other. So will the rest of them all. Now I am not saying that I am a saint. I am not. And maybe I too am paying for my misdeeds, which I might have done knowingly or unknowingly. So it’s like “everybody pays” just like everybody lies from House M.D.

He also told me about a few of my classmates buying their own homes and cars and stuff. Now he wasn’t rubbing that in my nose or something, or maybe he was. Either way I don’t give a furry little rat’s ass. Sorry for the profanity. Hey, it is their life and good for them. Why should I bother? I haven’t talked to them in ages. And they too wouldn’t care if I was alive or dead. Anyways coming to the point, I haven’t given up on myself. One day I will go far ahead, far ahead, where a hero’s welcome would be waiting for me. That’s a bit drama queen, yeah. I know I am honest and intelligent (I used to be, and I will turn tables this time around) but not so hardworking and that I need to change asap. Had enough. Soon it will be time to play by my rules, God willing. I will turn on a new leaf. I just can’t wait for this exam charade to get over. I have so much to do. and so much to write, in a proper sensible way about better things rather than whining about the pitiable state my life is in right now. Goodnight folks………

Day 13 ( the beginning)

Very unusual of me to post at the beginning of the day. I agree. Okay, so yesterday I slept early, (now I know that 2 a.m. is not early, but believe me sweeties, considering the past few days, it is.) and today I woke up early 7 a.m. to be precise. Had my breakfast and then sat down to study. And then, at present that is, am totally sleepy. Everything appears blurred, my head is heavy and spinning and nothing is getting registered in my mind it seems. But I have to practice doing this because the exams this time are in the morning at 10 a.m. and  I will have to leave at least by 7.30 a.m. So in fact I will have to practice getting up even earlier. And yeah I forgot to wear my glasses, so that explains the blur.Yawn. I think I will catch some sleep.


Overheard today.
" The first step towards fixing up your life is to accept the truth about the mess in your life"
Oprah Winfrey.

Day 14 (some improvement)

Not even a fortnight left now!!! I squandered more than half of the day sleeping or loitering around. Still I managed to read Spleen and Appendix, in bits and pieces or rather somewhat large chunks, though not as it is supposed to be. But then I did begin somewhere. And it is a good sign. Sort of. Anyways now its only 13 days left. So it just comes down to the same old technique. Reading only the questions asked in the last few years or rather in the entire history of my department, which is exactly a decade this year. So now its 6 days left for GIT and from it I have roughly finished Stomach, Esophagus, Appendix, Spleen, Hernias and Pancreas. Roughly, pay attention to that. Still I have  another half of the GIT remaining. Now I am confused. Should I randomly go reading topics as they appear in the ol' papers? Or sort out the questions according to the chapters and then read the question chapter wise? (the latter is more time consuming) So basically I am the cross roads. I guess, let tomorrow decide. And all those detailed things I can prepare before practicals. Last time too, I had exactly 9 days before my practical exam, but I thoroughly wasted the first 5 days. This time I am hoping not to repeat the mistakes I made last time.

Food wise, it was a sensible day according to the nature of the foods that I ate, but not according to portion of each meal. Now I need to work on reducing my potions.
Also I need to cut back on my caffeine. Normally I don't touch tea or coffee or colas or any other form of caffeine. But come exams, and I guzzle down coffee like a camel drinks water. I need to reduce my coffee intake. Normally during the rest of the year I cant fall asleep easily, but during exam time I feel so sleepy, I can doze off at the drop of a hat! I feel lethargic and tired and have such wonderful dreams. I actually spin stories in my dreams, i have full control of what is going on in my dreams. It is such a beautiful feeling. Rest of the year, I keep having nightmares.
Coming back to the fat fighting, I can feel or rather now see in the mirror that my tummy has started to bulge out again, specially the tires just below my waist, the love handles i guess and they are just so prominent, they give me an unmanly appearance;I kinda appear curvy! That is disgusting, I just hate to see myself in the mirror. I can still fit into my old pair of jeans though which are of the waist 36( I tried them out today) and that's some good news that things have not gone as bad as they were before, since I have stopped working out due to the exam charade. It is sort of a silver lining among the clouds of gloom.

Friday, 6 September 2013


On a lighter note, just found out that the teaser for this movie is released. Am eagerly awaiting for this one. Stars two of my fav actors Aamir and Kat. Bring it on this December....

Day 15 (and it still continues...)

A one whole day of no reading. I am doomed. That is it. I have got nothing more to say. It is the last time all over again. I just don't know how will I face everyone. I can't write anything more tonight, just don't feel like doing it.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

And we cross 2K

2,000 hits!!!! Unbelievable, that my bumbling and fumbling fledgeling of a blog has received over 2000 visitors. Thank you everyone for the wonderful support. Keep it going on. I need it.
Lots of love
Wounded Tiger.........

Day 16 (what the hell am I doing???)

A total goner. Absolutely did nothing whole day except watching TV. Diet wise things under control.

Change of plans. I am finally abandoning the schedule I put up previously. Things have spiraled out of control. Back to the old modus operandi. I am going to prepare only the old questions from the previous years papers. God willing if I have extra time, I will throw a random glance at the remaining stuff. Thats it. And I also might give up on reading for the practical stuff. I am cornered. It is now Flight or Fight time.

Total 15 days left.
8 days for the Gastro-intestinal system
1 day for Thyroid
1 day for Breast
1 day for Vascular surgery
1 day to revise Genito-urinary system
3 days for the General Surgery.

That is it.
Last Attack.

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Meandering thoughts @ 4 a.m. (II)

Some body please come around and give a nice kick on my rear. I really deserve that. It is almost 5 in the morning and am still awake whiling away my time on internet. Also I had promised myself not to log in to my Facebook account till the exams get over. The reason? All those happy and lucky people who have been successful posting status updates and pictures, really gets my goat. I mean I am not jealous of anyone. But I just get upset at the miserable state of my life. Otherwise on personal aspect everything is fine, God's mercy. Got really great parents, awesome wife and the cutest kid, what more does one ask for? I agree that half of the misery is brought upon me by myself. Still, specially the news about other people marching ahead in professional life just throws me off the track. I should be studying and not wasting my time on such trivial matters. But I just cant seem to get things right. Life is all too messed up. I need to break out. I hate everything. I hope to get some sleep before I get back to reading. And yes, I will stay away from Facebook, it just messes up my mind. I hate that. Oh God, I need HELP!!!!

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Day 17 ( a strong sense of Deja vu, again!?!)

Another day is over.

Oops I did it again! I played with the time and got lost in the game! oh baby baby.....
Thats what Britney Spears crooned ages ago. And that's what exactly I am doing right now with my studies. Today woke up at 11 in morning despite multiple alarms. 11 a.m.!! Can you believe it? Struggled whole day with anger, despair and fear. Managed to finish most the topics from the chapter of Stomach. But on opening Maingot, I was in for a shock. There is still so much left to read. The days are flying past rapidly and the schedule is getting tighter and tighter. Its only 16 days left. It's last time all over again. Last time I had reading vacation of 16 days which I totally squandered. Things aren't much different this time again. May be this time I won't be starting on blank canvas, but again, it has been a long time, and don't remember much of the stuff that I read last time. And yeah, last time out of those 16 days, I read significantly only in the last 7 days, after I was forced to move back to college. Come to think of it, it was all conspiracy against me by a so-called friend/ esteemed consultant. Anyways, I will work my ass off really hard this time.

Food wise a day well spent. Obviously I missed breakfast. For lunch I had 2 plateful of lentil-yogurt soup. Two cookies and very small cup of  vanilla ice cream (80 ml to be precise) in the evening followed by 3 rotis and tuna in tomato sauce. And yeah, throw in couple of bread sticks here and there plus 3 cups of black coffee. Am getting good at least at this. Gotta go. As Robert Frost has famously said,


Definitely its a long way ahead......

Day 18 (totally down the drain)

A bad day. Bad bad day. Really bad bad bad day. In every way. A very messed up Monday. Why do I hate Mondays even though right now for me all the weeks of the day are just the same, may be its the scars from the past that refuse to heal. So basically NO studying at all. Nothing. Zero. I slept till 3 in the afternoon. Started to read Burns, all I could manage to read was a measly one page. Rest of the time I just wasted on doing insignificant things or playing with my daughter. That is it. Totally screwed up. And after whole day of eating very minimal, I gorged on food in the evening. All in one day what  I ate- A cup of milk, 4 rotis, 3 eggs (two boiled and one omelet), a tub of roasted puffed rice, two plateful of shrimp fried rice, 2 packets of Maggi  noodles and finally 3 bowls of ice cream. I am again showing those dangerous signs again. Running away from reality and turning to food for comfort. Its not good, neither for my career or for my health and all this weight busting saga. I am lost all again. I just cant go on like this. Only 17 days left for the exam, its just like last time all over again. I can sense the subtle signs of depression setting in. O God, I don't want to repeat same mistakes all over again! 

Monday, 2 September 2013

Just like that......

Just a random post. Nothing specific.....dropped in to say hi to all of you.

To all those people reading this blog, thank you all so much. 

To everyone from USA and Cananda a big hello and a bigger thank you.
To everyone from my homeland, India, namaste aur shukriya.
To all those lovely people in France, bonjour et un très grand merci.
To the friends from up north, Russia, привет и очень большое спасибо.
To people from beautiful Malasiya, khabar dan yang sangat besar terima kasih.
To the South Koreans, 큰 인사와 큰 당신을 감사하십시오.
To everyone in Germany, ein großes Hallo und ein herzliches Dankeschön.
To people from Serbia (am surprised!), Поздрав и хвала.
To people from Denmark, Hallo en bedankt.
To the people from down south, Venezuela and Uruguay, Hola y gracias.......

now before you think I am a polyglot, this is a miracle called Google Translate.........

Day 19 (Getting there, slowly but surely)

So the Sunday is over. Now only two Sundays left before exam. Whoa! That’s getting a wee bit scary now. Not even three weeks left. The monstrosity called EXAMS is approaching closer as each day passes by. I can see the dark clouds on the horizon, and the winds of time are blowing in my direction. Soon I will be staring exams right into the eyes. And that’s freaking me out now. I never had this bad case of exam phobia. It would be easy to blame it on the residency. Because, prior to this, I never had the fear of unknown. But now that fear is totally debilitating and incapacitating. It’s like my handicap. I need to be strong. Just like from the movie Rocky, no fear no fear no fear no fear…………

Got a little off track there, didn’t I? So coming down to how the day went, well again, I woke up late. Nothing unusual about it. But then I gained momentum as the day passed. Somehow I managed to finish the chapter of Esophagus, only from Bailey and Love albeit. I had planned to read the operative part from Maingot. But the day is over now and I am sleepy now (I don’t wanna resort to caffeine to stimulate my brain cuz then I will be bouncing off the walls till early morning). And honestly I napped for almost two hours in the afternoon and post dinner I went down to the supermarket and stationary shop to run some errands and have whiled away time since then. From the practical schedule I finished reading Dyphagia. I realized that Hematemesis is in the next chapter that is due tomorrow, Stomach. So instead I read a topic from endoscopy. But my biggest misery, that I am not at all confident of what I have read, and I don’t remember a word I read and wont recall anything in exam, continues to plague me. Now I am really bad at rote learning. Mugging is not my cup of tea. Oh no, my brain doesn’t work that way. I have to first grasp things and make mental images. That’s the how wheels move in my head. So I have decided to revise Esophagus along with entire GUT along the way, in bits and pieces, as the circumstances permit.
Today I was really a good boy when it came to eating. For breakfast I had a bowl of muesli. Lunch consisted of spiced chickpeas and at dinnertime, I had chicken noodle soup. But then I had go and ruin everything at the end of the day by having a big slice of black forest cake (which was bad anyways) and 200ml of grape juice ( with sugar added in it, saw it later, they didn’t have my usual brand). Damn. Why the hell do they have that stationary and cake shop side by side? It’s not my fault. The reason am so agitated at myself right now is that the cake wasn’t even good. Not like that red velvet cake I mentioned before. Ummmmm …..Now that was a really great cake. That classic mouthwatering moment this is.

Something really funny happened with me in afternoon.  I was getting doozy from all the brain wrecking with Esophageal Motility Disorders, so I started playing music on my phone. Half way through the song, Bridge of light I suddenly felt the urge to cry. Sort of everything that happened in last 4 and half years just flashed before my eyes. All the injustices, all the torture, all the insults came running to me as it was all yesterday. I felt a lump in my throat. But as usual, I couldn’t just let it out. Was unable to blow the lid off to provide a vent to my emotions. So instead of crying it out, I decided to pray. And I actually did feel much better after prayers. Though I had some pretty weird dreams involving my department after that when I went off to sleep but still I woke up fresh.

So I decided. Enough is enough. And this fight that I am fighting, it’s just not for me alone. It’s also a fight for my parents, my wife, my kid and all those people who believe in me. All those people who put up for me. I can’t let these people down this time again. I WILL GET IN THERE AND I WILL GET IT GOOD.

So just in order to constantly remind me of the tasks ahead and to keep myself on track, I decided to take help from two small objects. First is a very old ring that belongs to my late grandfather whom I used to call dada. It’s a silver ring with I don’t know which stone set in it, in fact even the setting has come off a bit loose. The dirty green stone is all wobbly in the silver right. In fact this ring is so old that I don’t remember dada wearing it ever in my whole life. I had accidentally come across it when we were sorting out his stuff after he passed away. I kept it with me as his memory even though it was way loose on all my fingers back then, I was not this fat always!!!  The second is that yellow rubber band with “LIVESTRONG” etched on it which I guess needs no introduction. Had bought it during my boho days in college when it was fashionable to sport ‘em. I actually do have them in other colors but I guess yellow is the color of cheerfulness (that’s why the smiley is yellow, isn’t it?). So right now I am donning these two things as a constant reminder to get my act straight this time and not screw up.

Sunday, 1 September 2013

Day 20 (A day totally wasted)

Another day but the same ol’ story. Crappy story. I couldn't fall asleep whole night, was awake till morning. After breakfast, one big fat attack of rhinitis. Slept till evening after ODing on antihistaminics ( I really must do something about these allergies, it’s spiraling out of control, my whole life is being impeded by it). Despite lagging behind on the schedule, I whiled away whole evening doing nothing productive ( adding post-its on the first page of each chapter, scribbled with questions asked from the previous exams, when I already have a ready question bank, doesn't count to be fruitful exactly). So here I am back to where I started. Now it is time to say bye-bye to the urinary system as from tomorrow I have to start on the gastro-intestinal system according to the schedule.

Today, after being holed up inside my house for exactly four months (27th April was that black day, gadget, a really black day) I finally missed being out there in the midst of all the action. I mean I always wanted a long break, it had been nearly decade and half of the vicious cycle of studying and exams and I was sick and tired, physically and mentally. But now I really miss seeing the patients, diagnosing their conditions and treating them, operating them. Who would have thought of it? I just want to get back into the thick of the things as soon as I can. Hey, that’s exactly what I wanted to do all these years. That’s what I slaved my ass off, sacrificed so many things. Now, am not getting onto my high horse and screaming my lungs out that we, doctors are the noblest creatures and we sacrifice so many personal things for the sake of the society. But it’s a fact, yeah. Agreed, there are some, may be many, black sheep who bring bad name to medical community, but overall, becoming a doctor does entail letting go of many things in life. There can be no denying in that.

Anyways coming back to my train-wrecked life, it’s dangerously close to getting derailed again. I have to pull up my act.  There were people who wrote me off time and again, some people who didn't even know me personally, and every time I bounced back, just like a phoenix. These people, what have I done to deserve such harsh words from you guys. Some of you have even never met me! Can’t they just watch that movie Bambi and learn that “if you can’t say something nice to someone then just b quiet”. It might be difficult for you if I had screwed up your life, but in case you even don’t know me, how hard is that? And for all the people who know me, well then you haven't seen the last of me.....-.
Now about watching what I eat, today I ate sensibly, in fact perfectly within the limits. Actually its 2 a.m. now and am hungry! But all I will do is to gulp down chilled water and have few almonds. No exercise. That’s anyways out of question now till the exams get over. So take care and have a great weekend everyone. Live life.

Here’s just a song, today I came across while watching TV (I know, me watching TV???) from a show called Glee, sung by a character in some sort of audition/contest. Honestly the first time I heard about the show when its lead star Cory Monteith died (and the show was already 4 seasons old; the hermit me!) and thought it must be just another fluffy song and dance show.  Hey but recently I have seen couple of episodes and I actually did like the singing part. So enjoy this little pep number. I have absolutely no idea who performed this originally and right now I have no time and inclination to find out.

Tomorrow is another day friends. Just as Grizabella in CATS sings 


I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life

And I musn't give in

When the dawn comes

Tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin..................