Saturday, 31 August 2013

P.S. to previous post

Regarding the previous post , I promise that once the exams get over I will give serious thought to improving the quality of my writing and not just type out whatever that comes to my mind at that very moment. Actually someone did tell me my writing is good (though this was before I started this blog, and I have never written anything substantial recently which that kind soul would have read) so I hope to improve over this jack-ass crap I spew on my blog.

And I also forgot to mention about weight loss thingy. As usual, no exercise. I was planning to do at least  push-ups and abdominal crunches at home but then the lazy bum that is me, couldn't be arsed into getting down on the floor to exercise; too much effort. My eating on the other hand just doesn't seem to slow down, my appetite is as voracious as it can ever get. I have been stuffing myself whole day in a fashion of an elephant. That's all folks.....

Friday, 30 August 2013

Day 21 (3 weeks to go)

Another day gone and now only 20 days left for the theory exams. I spent the whole day reading, well, most of it. Honestly. Finished reading Urinary Bladder, Urethra and Penis from the theory section and the urinary symptoms from the practical part. But then retaining what I read in my already overloaded and burnt out brain is on shaky grounds. Not too confident of what I read. The reason is that I also solved the mcqs of the corresponding chapters from AA. I realized where I stand in these waters; not in the shallow pools but stuck in the deep murky ends. Just 20 days left! The panic is slowly creeping back in. I could sense it especially in the evening when I was alone at home. This actually happened two or three times today. Those all familiar sense of doom, helplessness and heaviness are beginning to make their not so welcome visits again. And I fought them off by stuffing myself with food. I don’t know what came over me. I am again using food as a weapon to fight stress. I know I end up getting all heavy and totally bent out of shape. This is all going against the goals I have set for myself.  

By the way I have set a new goal, to touch 80 kg by the end of the December first week, that’s when my roomie from Grad College is getting married. It’s going to be a reunion of sorts. Mostly everyone is going to be free by that time of year and may attend. I just want to razzle dazzle everyone in that wedding. I have had enough of people cracking fat jokes at me or being all sympathetic at all the health problems that I have due to excess weight. I just want to make them hang their jaws in surprise when they see me, well a kind of good surprise, not shock.  I will have exactly 2 months after exams get over. I am also planning to join swimming later. I know it’s going to be pretty cold by then (not good for my entire airway) and I always tan very badly and I don’t want to look bad at the wedding. So that’s still not decided. But I am going to diet like crazy and exercise like a maniac if I have to. Some dedication!!!
That’s enough of rambling for the day. At times I feel that my writing is very trivial, commonplace and boring. It should be more funny more witty, that I should spice it up. But then I realize that this is a straightforward blog about getting my life back on track, fumbling and bumbling along the way. Yeah it should be funny and light-hearted but right now with the gloomy clouds of exams looming on the horizon, I actually don’t have time and stamina to make my writing more interesting. So you will have to bear with straightforward writing right from my heart or my mind or whatever….
So with the studies part the train is slowly pulling out of the station, gearing up to speed down towards the destination and not be a runaway train that it usually ends up being. Weight loss on the other hand, is totally tossed out of the window of that moving train. The third thing, which I have often sidelined is praying. I need to pray more regularly and sincerely. Religion actually does offer you a grounding force. It keeps you clear headed and alleviates all anxiety and panic. It always makes you feel fresh. It makes you a better human being at the end of the day. I will have to be very regular with that. Yes, I am a religious person, but not superstitious, I go by The Book. It’s a part of who I am. But I am not some fanatic either. So I better get that train on track too.

Anyways, today am feeling quite sleepy despite having napped for 2 hours in the afternoon. So am signing off. Take care and to all those in USA have a great labor day weekend.........

A new day has come....


Taking a short break from reading. Everything is going on good, not great, but am slowly getting back into the groove. That's good right?  Will post more details later tonight. Was going through my song collection on my lappie and came across this one. It's one of the classics ever, performed by irreplaceable Elaine Page from CATS. Nothing inspirational about it, but there was a time,I felt exactly same like that character, isolated, alone and mocked at by people at my department . I have somewhat moved away from all that but that stanza about new day coming on, it always rings a positive bell. The video quality is ain't that great, but sorry am short of time right now........


Day 22 ( a baby step towards success)

Hellooo….So one more day gone. As I have mentioned in the previous post Roooooaaaaaarrrrrr I started reading around 2 p.m. but the reading wasn’t consistent. My focus on the book waxed and waned all day long. But still, somehow I managed to finish the chapter of prostate from Bailey & Love and Smith’s. Plus I finished the MCQs from AA. All in all, quite fair. Though am still not confident enough of what I have read. Again, that’s the usual story of my life; I am never confident till the results arrive. I think I shall give entire thing another read just to make sure. I might have to stretch way into the night. I am already feeling sleepy and it is quite hot today. Finally the monsoon has receded; I don’t think there are going to be anymore showers. I love rains. Most of the people I know hate ‘em, I find something magical in rains. I always kinda feel sad when rains stop. I can get all poetic and wax lyrical but anyways coming back to topic, I will push myself to finish today’s allocation. One more thing, I actually DID reschedule. Please don’t judge me; it’s not the part of procrastination but more of a practically sensible thing to do. And I promise that this time I will stick to the new timetable. I swear.  So here is the new schedule. It’s basically the ole one with some tweaking and trimming.

Sorry for the poor picture quality. I was in a bit of a hurry and didn't have time to edit them either. But I guess they are pretty legible.....

Regarding the eating shenanigans, let’s not get there today. Ok, today I behaved better than yesterday, but nothing that I should be proud of. So signing off, take care everyone. And I said earlier in the day ROAR......

Thursday, 29 August 2013

ROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!

Hello everybody. Dropping in to say a quick hi. Well, today too began just like any other shitty day, but by noon I realized that I have to pull up my act. And so right now, am reading Prostate according to the schedule and actually enjoying it, specially when I relate everything clinically. Oh I just can't wait to wrap up all this, land a job and get back in the grind. Here is a song which echoes somewhat similar sentiments, its Roar by Katy Perry. Have fun and keep rocking people......ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRR.............
Thanks +Akshita Gautam for this one.....


Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Day 23 (all smoke, no fire)

All smoke and no fire. 
That tall talk yesterday, down the drain today. I will never learn, will I? Ever? 
Arrrrrgh…….as usual. Day one gone and I didn’t study at all. No it wasn’t the fault of any crappy mood or loss of passion. But being attacked by one big fat nasal allergy. Missed my alarm and woke up at 8 a.m. still thought that the things weren’t out of control had a bowl of muesli for brekkie. And from there everything went downhill. So long story short, I didn’t touch the books, went overboard with lunch and dinner (right now am literally feeling bloated and fat around my midsection, I can sort of feel all that lard) pissed off mom by not running some errands I promised her and of course by not studying, and wifey is annoyed too, well cuz I didn’t read.
The whole day, either I slept or even in those few waking hours I was seriously drowsy with all those antihistaminic I had downed. So no reading at all. Kidney just got struck off the list. I had this brilliant idea of redoing the schedule, but I found it too laborious to go through the entire exercise again. And also the purpose of posting the pictures of in on the blog was to deter myself from cheating. Well at least that purpose is served. So the poor kidney and symptoms of urinary system will have to wait till I squeeze them somewhere down the road. Before the exams off course.
Regarding this dieting palaver, honestly I don’t feel like writing about it. I ate way too much today. 1 bowl muesli, 8 medium sized rotis with 3 bowls of paneer masala, 1 cup popcorn, 5 papads, half tandoori chicken and 5 pieces of chicken tikka. That’s disgusting, I know. What am I, a whale?

So, day one down, I have got 22 days left. Right now am planning to arrange all the books, which post-exam, have been lying scattered all over the house and my car and also to get the entire study room and my bedroom in order. Then I figure I would have a nice hot bath, drink milk (just for the kicks) and go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day…..See you tomorrow.....

And the countdown begins.....

The practical is over!!! This makes me happy and sad. Actually more of a panic stricken than sad. The exam went ok. Now if they had to ask me steps of a some very hi-fi surgery which I won’t perform for at least next 5 years, then obviously I wouldn’t know the answer. Rest of the exam seemed more like a formality. All in all not bad, especially with the preparation I had put in. So that hurdle is crossed for now. Nothing stands between me and university exams now. And that’s where the panic, terror, fright creep in. Only 23 days left. How on this earth am I supposed to finish reading entire Surgery in that span of time. It’s time to gear up. Pick myself up, dust myself up and put myself back in the saddle. The war is on baby. No time for excuses, and none for my erratic moods either. Everything else will be placed on the back burner. And that includes the Fat Fighting and Lard Busting.  
Oh yeah that; I think or rather, now I feel that all that lard that I had busted off my body is slowly creeping back on to me when I am not watching (and that would be most of the time, at present). It’s so hard to resist the urge to stuff your face when you are bored or stressed out or just plain tired from whacking your brains out after studying. My mouth needs to move constantly while I study, sort of a big fat buffalo chewing cud. That’s a real pathetic comparison I must say. Just this evening drove mom down to D-mart for monthly grocery shopping. And I had to try real hard not to give into all those sugary, fatty delicious calories. Seriously. All I got myself was a packet of crackers, 6 maggi noodles (strictly for emergencies) and 2 packets instant soups. Instant soups, I know, are the henchmen of the bad foods, with all the sodium and other chemicals and shit. Still, the packet claimed to be the healthy thingy. Again, healthy my arse. But hey they are strictly for those midnight hunger pangs when I would be reading days and nights on an end (and yours truly sighs wistfully at the mention of this). That’s it. I didn’t add anything else that was edible to the shopping cart. See I can be a good boy. And for dinner today I had only boiled chickpeas with tamarind sauce, two servings (showing a little honesty).
So that’s it. From tomorrow it’s going to be only studies, studies and only studies along with being mindful of what and how much I stuff my gob with.

Here are  the pictures of the alleged timetable, an

umpteenth number in the last few months. But I wish and pray with all my heart that it’s the last one. Wish me luck. I hope I stick to it.


Tuesday, 27 August 2013

OCDs, ADDs and reflux......

It's almost 1 a.m. already, and I have got practical exams tomorrow. Oops! It's already today. Too tired right now to post anything sensible. Spent whole day trying to make myself read, and was successful up to some extent. Finished reading Hernias but then realized that the current edition of the book has chopped off a lot of stuff; so will have to read from other books too. So the target for today is over, but not satisfactorily.

Tomorrow is the practical exam day. My bad again, today is the day. Am quite drowsy right now. The effects of the last cup of coffee seems to be wearing of now. Well, I got news that there are no good cases in the ward currently for me to present in exam. Hope that situation doesn't change till afternoon. If that happens the exam wont be a big deal. But then again, knowing my luck in such situations and my professors they might admit something bad for me to present. I am praying that no such thing happens. Actually am prepared for the worst come worst scenario. But then shouldn't we let the sleeping dogs lie?

Anyways I have made a last attempt of making a reading schedule for the exams. I am not sure whether I will be able to finish everything on it. The goal is just to stick to it everyday. My problem is that "all or none law". Either I do it with my 100% or I chuck it all away.
That is not the key to success. It's more like that story of the hare and the tortoise. Slow and Steady wins the race. And I am desperate to win this one.

Coming back to that schedule, I will post a picture of it tomorrow for you to see. My phone and PC aren't compatible and I have to go via my laptop to upload pics. Right now, I find it a bit of hassle while simultaneously battling drowsiness and acid re-flux. Oh yeah re-flux, more on that later.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Inspiring............



Never lose hope. One day I will succeed. And all those people who wrote me off will be spectators of my victory parade........

First 1000 hits!!!!

And now we have a 1000 hits!!!! thank you everyone out there for tolerating my nonsensical ramblings.....love you guys.....

The Weekend......

I have got preliminary practical exam on Tuesday. And the usual sob story; haven’t read anything worthwhile till now. Why the hell do I keep on doing this? Actually I was so tired from all the driving yesterday that I slept for 14 hours straight today. I had to rush between my college town and home city because I had forgotten some documents. Finally, I filled the form yesterday morning after much running around. These people, who sit behind those office desks, I agree that you have one of the most boring and thankless jobs but do you really have to make other people miserable? I mean how difficult it would be to fill a simple form in order to appear for some university exam? Let’s start with the application form itself. It has so many boxes to fill and most of it is usually crap. For example, what the hell my religion, my cast and what my dad earns have got to do with me appearing for the exam? It just flabbergasts me. Thrice I have to enter the exam fees amount, five times the particulars for the exam that I am appearing. And the entire history of my past exam appearances and performances, right from my 12th grade through each year of the medical school up till now. Hello, that was more than a decade ago! At the end there are some stupid declarations that one has to sign, about not being holed up in some other institute for further studies. Now who would accept me on the basis of my failed exam? I guess these all are the archaic remnants since the time of the Raj. Then, this document is missing and that one is not attested. Finally when it came to paying fees, a whopping Rs 12100/- for the exam (looting in bright day light, I must say) they have to have different receipt books for same exam!!! They spent half hour looking for the damned book.

After I filled my form finally, I went to my department for a courtesy call. I met my unit head, and a polite formal conversation about my exams and stuff. This time he wasn't that cold, but not warm enough as I had known him to be. Regarding the other two professors including the head, both conversations were one liners. And knowing me, not being those hang around kinds I immediately scooted out from there. So I have exam on Tuesday afternoon. Wish me all the best. While I was waiting for the professors to get free, one of my juniors mentiond that I had lost weight and my tummy had disappeared. It really feels good when someone actually says that especially when you haven’t done anything about weight loss since last fortnight.

That brings us to the fat fighting fiasco. Now, I had stopped going to the gym since the end of Ramadan due to oncoming exams. But even still I was watching out whatever I put into my mouth. I tried real hard not to stuff myself with crap and watched carefully the portions of the healthy food.  During exams I had gone overboard with coffee and bread sticks. But guess what? I actually have lost weight. Finally down to 91 kg at my home scale. Total of 14 kg lost. Touched the 200 pound mark. That is some great news. I had decided to hit the gym after the exams with vengeance to document my eating habits meticulously. And to blog about the three important things in my life right now, exercise dieting and studying. Just to keep me on track.

But the new exam dates fizzled out everything. I got all blue and disheartened and I realized I have no time left to attend gym regularly. And I went into over drive, or rather my mouth did. On Friday I had 4 slices of medium Mexican chicken cheese burst pizza, 2 chicken sausage roll and one 1 chicken taco for dinner and finished it off with one serving of chocolate lava cake all a takeout from Dominoe's. Mum was not well so had to settle for a takeout. On Saturday, for breakfast I had stack of wholegrain pancakes with honey. For lunch we drove out to one of the wifey's favorite restaurant, one with a jungle theme. I had a bowl of soup, 6 pieces of kebabs and two tandoori rotis with gravy, polished off with a glass of buttermilk.  Dessert included one serving of red velvet cake (the cake was awesome; it literally melted in my mouth) from the in house bakery. For dinner I had two packets of maggi noodles with two more slices of that damned cake.The cake, I must tell you was so darn good. I have never had anything like this my whole life, so got two slices packed for the way home. So much for my self control. Thus I woke up on Sunday morning, feeling all bloated and tired and disgusted and fat. Naturally. You all must think what a glutton I am. I agree, even I am feeling bad for myself. So today I had soups for both lunch and dinner. Atleast somewhere I had to start again.

Hello everyone....

Hello everyone. I am back. I know, the exam got over on Friday and today is Sunday afternoon. My apologies.  As I have been harping time and again, the exams went quite well. No complaints there. So post exams I should have been euphoric, right? But wait. Just before the last exams started, ‘by chance’ I came to know that our final exams have been rescheduled; the new date is 20th September. Damn, not even a month left. It was like a kick in the crotch. For couple of minutes my mind went blank, somehow I regained myself and began the exam. And it wasn't just me. Rest others also said that its way too early, and that’s not fair. But then, when ever did I expect my institute to be fair.
Post exam I had some other plans for myself. But then I realized that I had left some documents back home needed to fill the university exam forms. So cancelling all the wonderful plans (already covered with the gloomy clouds of looming exams) left for home again. It was a wonderful drive back home. As we sped down the expressway, the fresh green countryside rolled by and rain drizzling all the while. It was beautiful and surreal. The sky was all covered with grey clouds and the sun was nowhere to be seen. It was cold, dark and wet; and yet I was loving it. I don’t know why. The soundtrack of Aashiqui 2 was playing on the stereo, and most of the songs of that movie are based on unrequited love, and the one, Sun raha hai na tu, could be applied to general distress in life ( a great song though).



Still, all this combined together had some sort of soothing effect over me. Despite the fact that the new exam date had already thrown all my great post-prelim plans into topsy turvy. One more bit of trivia – it was the same soundtrack on stereo, the last time I came home after the results were declared.

Friday, 23 August 2013

A little more fun........

After postimg that last song, came across another song from the Diva, The best thing I never had. Nice song, though not the best thing from her (spoilt for choice in that category, some time later about that, gadget).
Sort of counterbalancing act after that 50 ways to say goodbye. Gotta keep everyone happy. heh.


Just a peek...

Hello everybody. Exams in full swing. Tomorrow is the last day of theory exams. Yippee...Things are going pretty good. I believe I have performed pretty decently, almost as good as the last time, or may be even better. This time I am confident of what I wrote. Anyways I gotta dash. So here's just a video, a random one. Keep moving forward people......
P.S. got late in posting this. It's already 4 a.m. and even the roadside stray mutts have gone off to sleep after rousing the entire neighbourhood with a rocking rendition of the "the Howl". Still couple of topics remaining to finish off. I pray that today also goes smoothly and I will be free, till the practicals. Still......

So continuing in the survivor series, here is Survivor. No introduction needed. Keep on Surviving guys.....








Wednesday, 21 August 2013

786...

hehehheee....786 hits....nice number.....though posting this will change it.....

A deviation....

Its nearly two a.m. and am totally drowsy by now. All that reading or at least pretending to do it is now making me woozy  or may be its because full throttle on the cold meds and started steroids and higher antibiotics; the new cocktail is working and health is pretty good now. I have this new found love or rather rediscovered love for reading, the flame is still burning rather meekly; its still there, not reduced to glowing embers or worse still, ashes. Trying to comfort myself just like that "aal is well" motto by Rancho from the movie 3 Idiots.
So anyways am posting a new video that has nothing to do with inspiration or whatever; or may be it does. For all those heart broken guys dumped by their girlfriends. A funny song I enjoy listening, nothing special though. 50 ways to say goodbye, by The Train ( but they list only 12 ways in the song, and it also has David Hasselhoff, Grim and a lion. It had to be a lion! And also love the Mariachi music).


PS: My gal is really great, and I know she loves me too much, and we are crazy about each other, so don't read too much into this video. Everything is fine on that front.



One more.

Hello everyone. With the exams going on, don't have time to write anything worthwhile. So I will continue with the posting of an another good song. Now any survivor song list is incomplete with this one. Yeah yeah, its the I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. This is an evergreen song, even today you do encounter it in TV shows specially sitcoms, though usually parodied. I agree that it has been stereotyped for being associated with certain strata of society, sort being nothing less than an anthem, but I reiterate, its a great song. Just the line "I will survive" puts that spark right back into you; in politically correct sense; am not saying disco to it (ala Charlie Harper), but hey adding a little bounce to your step wouldn't harm either. Enjoy and be inspired folks.....I promise to write something good, once the exams get over. Got a lot planned.


Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Continuing Video series......

Hey ya. Things are looking up on the health front. I hope I am not jinxing it by saying this. Thank God for it. Still I do have a persistent dry cough, its ok now. Today was the first paper, and I can say disaster averted. Thank God for this too, bow my head. I pray that rest of the papers go the same way. And guess what? I am finally studying ( I don't want this getting jinxed either), and its fun!!! yeah, you heard me right. NO, am not high on something. I really wanna read very hard. Once again, I want to gain all the knowledge that I can, so I can be a really great doc. Actually it does feel weird as I type it out. May be even pretentious. Anyways am not going to bore you anymore and here I post this video from the movie Rocky. The song, Eye of tiger. Great song.....enough said. The dialogue in the beginning, don't give it a miss.


Monday, 19 August 2013

Pre exam......

On my way to give my exam (for all you Americans out there to take preliminary exam). A total bunch of nerves. Jitters galore. 

Sunday, 18 August 2013

Where the hell are my Nerves?

Tomorrow is the D-day. In an ideal world I should be giving finishing touches to revision of the course. But this isn’t the ideal world, buddies. And in this less than ideal world, I am performing at less than minimum required efficiency. The strangest part about all this? I am not feeling anything, no fear, no stress, am totally numb. In the past before exams I used to be a bunch of nerves. A bunch of wrecked nerves to be precise. I would bounce off the walls. Preceding night I would have palpitations, breathlessness, and sensation of my insides screaming. Or I would laugh hysterically for no apparent reasons right before the exams, just like a mad man. People would avoid me before exams. Don’t know what happened. May be in all these years, just like an oil press squeezes out the last bit of oil from the raw materials, all such emotions have been squeezed out of me.

my emotions, may be???


And yeah the relief from cold was temporary. Its back but in milder form. There is a saying in medical fraternity. “if you treat common cold it lasts only for one week, but if you don’t treat it lasts for whole long seven days”. May be it is true, after all.  Tomorrow I go back to the wee little town where my college is to appear for my exam. Again it’s going to same thing. Those excruciating long three hours sitting over there and wondering what to do. Also tennis elbow of the right forearm is acting up again, right before my exams. Perfect timing. Talk about deja vu. And this will go one till Friday. And then again the painful mind numbing wait begins for the practical viva ,where I always feel naked standing in front of the examiners and the scene of hungry wolves descending on a hapless prey plays through my mind. I just mindlessly answer questions while my head screams just get over with this you people, will you, please, I beg you all. Believe me it’s almost like being a convict on a death row. I said almost. Anyways I sign of here. Take care, if I manage to survive this ordeal, see you next weekend.

Meandering thoughts @ 4 a.m.

It is nearly 4 am and am still at my computer whiling away time while the neighborhood dogs are howling away in unison. Their voice lifts up and floats into the humid night air with sort of a surround sound effect. Creepy. I am sitting in the chair and staring at my books waiting for that switch inside me to go on. But nope, nothing is flicking that switch. Am just sitting here feeling kind of funny as if I am hovering somewhere above my body. Not feeling anything. Honesty I don’t believe in all such soul travelling outside body and stuff, but I guess this is the drugs finally kicking in. I am having a premonition that tomorrow is already wasted too. There seems to be no hope.
Well in all this exam hysteria, the fat fighting has been pushed to the backburner. Not been to gym since 10 days. But after the holiday weekend binge, am eating sensibly again despite all these anti-histaminic drugs causing severe hunger cravings. Now, am not sure about this side effect, I haven’t looked it up personally, but once my pharmacology teacher had said this to me. Today mom mentioned twice in passing that I have lost more weight, I guess that’s the generous soul she is. God bless her. But I didn’t have guts to drag my sorry arse up to the scale and find out. I have decided to boycott scales till I start gym back again. Anyways I have come to learn that scales don’t exactly reflect body’s fat loss. Physical measurements are better indicators. So for next fortnight I won’t be hitting the scales. Exams get over next Friday. So I will weigh my chunky self after a week of exercise, honestly I don’t have the guts to risk a heart attack on observing the holiday weight sneaking up on the scales especially with the current predicament of my mind.

v/s



And regarding the questions which arose after The Visit, I have decided, am not moving back to my college to study over there, no way. I will visit only twice week to attend the teaching sessions. This way I can attend the gym over here ( hey I paid for one full year, Rs 15000, that’s a bit too much and I am not wasting it) and the gym at the recreational centre in my college sucks and also my dept head frequents it. So that’s the decision taken, I know it may break some hearts (sarcasm intended)  but I don’t care.

Huh, need to let go of this bitterness and anger from within me. Time, my friend, I need time, I tell you. As they say time heals everything. But even though  time heals the wound scars remain forever, they may fade over time, but still will remain as the everlasting testimony to hurts of the past. And that's the cynical me, back again.

P.S.: the following picture that was shared by my cousin on facebook, is a fitting reply to my ramblings in the previous post Deja Vu.

Deja Vu......

Finally a bit better. And that’s after whole day of guzzling cocktail of anti-histaminics and snorting corticosteroid up my damned nose. Benefit of being a licensed doctor, I can self medicate. Oh my God, does that make me a pharmaceutical drug junkie, or more specific anti-allergy one? All you lovely people don’t write me off as one please, actually those drugs did make me better. Though am a bit woozy still, but hey, no sleep. I guess over the last decade I may have turned immune to the side effects!!! My pharmacology professors would disagree, ha ha.

But there is no such thing as free lunch, with my physical health improving, the blue clouds started gathering around my head, but thank God they didn’t turn into a fully fledged tropical storm. I have been bobbing up and down in the river of misery kicking and thrashing with all my might. Finally managed to convince myself that, still nothing is lost. I will bounce back. Shine bright like a diamond, like that Barbados Babe Rihanna croons. I would have uploaded that song too in my inspirational video series but there is also mention of moonshine and molly in the lyrics and that against my principles. I absolutely do not promote alcohol and drugs, especially for people like me. That’s one of the two songs that I have been playing on loop since yesterday ; the other being Bridge of Light.

So with my nose and throat clearing up, settling into the reality was a bit difficult. Realize that only one day left for the exam. It’s the same story all over aging. And I really don’t want to screw it this time around. I need help. I guess, you all must be wondering what a whine he is. And a lazy ass. Why the hell he just can’t glue down his ass and open book and read like a normal person would do?  Even I am wondering the same. Well let me try to answer this. First thing, am not your average regular normal person. Never been. Since childhood. Since my kiddy days I have been this precocious kid but I was too lazy to be bothered to hone  any of my talents.  I was smart and intelligent, not just books wise, good looking, popular with opposite sex, had love hate relationship with teachers. You could see me anywhere in school, right from the front row in class to playground to detention. I was the good bad boy. But then I took everything for granted, specially my brains. After the unprecedented success in 10th grade board exams everything went downhill. Success went to my head.  In college my performance graph was exactly like a diagrammatic representation of alternating current (AC).  Reflected on my mood swings. I have always been this phoenix, rose from my own ashes only to fall again. Only this time I have fallen too far deep into an abyss.  During my residency days due to the constant mental trauma I just started hating everything around me. I lost interest in my own subject. I just hate to read. I hate to even to touch those books. Though I can proudly say that my practical knowledge in patient management was great. Finally I managed to somehow cram my way through those books before last exams. I passed theory but failed in practical exam. Ironical, eh? Cutting back to present, I just can’t force myself to touch these books again. Even if I manage to open and read them, something or the other comes up and reminds me of the wasted 4 years of my life which leaves me angry and sad. And I stop reading. Right now it’s exactly like what happened in the last prelim exams in February. Uncanny and scary. People might say twice bitten and still not shy. But nobody knows what crap goes on in my head. I feel like I am spiralling down the tunnel of doom.

Saturday, 17 August 2013

Another Video....

This cold, just refuses to go away. I think it is time that I stop self medicating myself and contact a proper ENT person, but I know that in my condition, that doc is gonna end up prescribing me corticosteroids which I am trying to avoid at all costs; I rapidly gain weight due to them. I am not going to start them, at least not now. May be I might take them prophylactically before university exams, can't take any chances then. But at least the throat is better. And new development with my nose, right side is choc-a-bloc and the left is a cascading waterfall. Ha, I guess by now I must be grossing you out with all the snotty tales. So here we go, Bridge of Light by Pink from the movie Happy Feet 2. Thank you +Akshita Gautam .
Beautiful song with amazing vocals by pink....


And here is the full version of the song by P!NK. Couldn't find a proper video for it. But nevertheless its great.

One More....

Another one from the same source. She is brilliant.


Look deep down and you will find out that you are the change, you are the hope, you are the miracle. You are all the strength you need in times unbearable. You can make a reformation in your generation...coz believe it or not but its d best 2 b urself the way u want to .....n not like d way others want u to be!!

Just like that.....

A post by an undergrad student from my college on face book. Can't reveal any more info than this in better interests of hers and mine. But its nice...

there r times when ur happy..times when ur sad....
times when u feel lyk"I AM THE - KING OF THE WORLD" ....
n times when u feel deeply buried underneath the mountain of ur voracious thoughts n desires....
times when u know dat u r happy because of smthing/ smone/ smwhere......however wrong it may seem...
but then in the journey of life so far..I ve understood one thing that
"SOMETIMES U OUGHT 2 LIVE THE MOMENTS WITHOUT THINKING ABT D PAST OR THE FUTURE..."

N yes dis will make dat downward ,not so visible curved line into that "happy go lucky" self !

Random Ramblings....

Arrrgh….this cold just doesn't seem to go away. My nose is still blocked and runny. I wonder how both these things exist simultaneously. Either it’s blocked or it runs. Don’t remember reading anything like this in ENT books in the third year of my grad school. My throat feels all itchy and scratchy. Still it didn't stop me from putting out a concert for my kid belting out songs right from falsetto to bass in the evening. I really think I could have been a singer if I had given myself a chance (most of my family and friends groan whenever I say this. Ok not most but all); I always had very loud voice while singing since kindergarten. At times my music teacher had to ask me to shut up. And finally I was shunted from the school choir to dance troupe….hehehe…. I loved dancing too.  I still do. I still dance when no one is watching. But in public I don’t think people would enjoy a nearly 30 year old hippo jiggling away. So coming back to songs I repeatedly belted out Titanium in different registers. And my kid enjoyed me bleating away, except when I went tenor, she was stumped for couple of seconds but then she again started giggling. It was fun singing other songs too. Don’t know what came over me. Feeling good again, light as if could fly away. May be it’s because I have come to down to accept that nothing can be done about my prelims. That boat has sailed, in turbulent waters, and hit an iceberg and doing a Titanic. But from tomorrow all the serious studies begin in all earnest. Read whatever I can. It doesn't matter if I haven’t read anything. It’s only prelims. Also am not worried anymore what people will say if I can’t answer something really simple just because I haven’t read it yet despite getting six months extra. What the heck, I don’t give a rat’s furry little ass about what other people will think of me or what they will say behind my back; anyways am going to go away very far from them and hope never see them again in future. So it’s back to trying to pick up the bits of the shattered life. Ok, that’s a bit too melodramatic; especially when it is me, myself, who screwed things up (a tangent: Right now listening to Diamonds by Rihanna as I am typing this out. Hey, it’s a good song). But I promise to myself that tomorrow is another day. A new beginning. Who am I trying to fool? I have said this umpteenth number of times to myself and others but I never change, do I? Every time I quote Scarlett O’Hara. What the hell is wrong with me??!!!?? Am swinging again, no it can’t be. I was so happy whole evening. Not again.

But now I have realized that this is my last chance. I know right now am saying all this cause I am in great frame of mind at present, but am worried when the big dark cloud of gloom and depression floats over. Anyways dad is leaving, gotta see him off and it’s also almost midnight.. So am signing off. Catch ya later.

Friday, 16 August 2013

??!!??

There is more that is yet to come........

Inspirational Video 4

Another song from my teenage years, when your entire class hates you for something you have not done, and only one person believes you. I could totally identify with this song, and now, almost 15 years later, it's still the same. Wasn't a great fan of Boyzone but this song will always remain special for me. Shooting Star by Boyzone from the Disney movie Hercules, second song from this movie on my list....


Inspirational Video 3

This song helped me through the darkest phases during my teen years specially during the high school, when due to class politics, whole class had turned against me, only one friend stood by my side, Though later on
I was vindicated but I anyways left the school,  this song always stuck with me. And right now too this song holds true.....I can go the distance by Michael Bolton from the Disney movie Hercules


Inspirational Video 2

Titanium by David Guetta, is one hell of a song that really makes me wanna fight back all those people who wrote me off. One day surely I will come out on top while all those people who made my life miserable will watch from the sidelines. The one featuring Sia is good too, I like her voice especially, but I don't know why I love the cover by the Boyce Avenue much better. here I have posted titanium cover by Boyce Avenue.  


Inspirational Video 1

The first to go in this list is The Last of Me by the Queen of Pop, #Cher. Was never a great fan of hers till I heard this song. It just touches you, not just touch me but gives me kick on the ass to get my act together.


Inspirational videos.....

Here I am again. Totally screwed. Well in regards to the prelims. Its now a point of no return. Now even if I start reading, it will be only for the university exams, can't do much to salvage prelims. That ship hasn't just sailed, but also hit the iceberg and about to sink.

So here's some videos that I will be posting. Some really great songs, which inspire me. the order of the songs doesn't necessarily imply their rankings for me. Am going to post them randomly. Hope they inspire you too.....

Insomnia strikes again.

Right now I am busy with studies. So here’s just a quickie update at whatever shit is going on. Am still struggling to read, which I very well know is not at all even bare minimum which is needed. But now am starting to have anxiety attacks. The usual feelings of gloom, despair and sadness. Along with headache, palpitations, nausea and acid reflux, worsening nasal congestion and asthma attack. How typical. For the last three and half months home, after taking PPIs for 15 days in may I was totally free of any heartburn or acidity, and not a single attack of asthma since I came home. And yesterday everything went for a toss. And to add to it, insomnia. I didn’t have the usual nap yesterday, yet was wide awake till 5 am today morning. Even took sedating antihistaminic with hopes that I could fall asleep, but I guess that stopped working long time ago. Hey does that count as drug abuse. My psychiatric colleague and former senior in Grad College kept telling me that I have “insight” into my problems so I wouldn’t be classified as a proper patient. Anyways, I was lying in bed not knowing what to do. I couldn’t even subway surf myself to sleep as phone’s batteries were dead. So I raided fridge and found 6 chicken spring rolls in freezer, thawed them and then roasted them on stove. Why do I turn to food for comfort? I had decided that I wouldn’t involve my family this time, troubled them enough, but then it became so unbearable, all this plus the gluttony guilt that I had to call up my spouse. She was surprised and bit groggy, but I guess my ranting and ravings might have shocked her. She sounded pretty upset and scared considering the past. She tried to reason with me. I promised her that I would pray and go to sleep. Still, no sleep. so finally at 5 am my daughter woke up for her feeding, and at that time I gave mom just a trailer of the things going on in my mind, and immediately told dad about it, and dad was spooked. Gosh. Why don’t I learn? From now I will have to clam up my feelings.

Finally after 5 hours of sleep I wake up and it felt like a very bad hangover (though I have never taken a drink in my entire life I have no idea but I guess it should be the same watching stuff in movies). I had some very bad nightmares. And also I saw dead people. Seeing people, who are already dead, even if they are my grandparents, always freaks me out. So took a shower and now feeling much better. But I still have an uphill task before me.

Wednesday, 14 August 2013

LOL

the writing in red roughly translated. my mom asks : you are not forgetting anything, (are you)?
my reply "to read, i forgot to read"
its usually my state of mind....heehaw.....hope it doesn't happen on Monday.

Hi.

Thanks to +Akshita Gautam for this one.
I really have to learn to let go of the baggage from the past.

Please......

 Hey ya’all. Duh, I can’t pull the southern accent. Anyways today is the crucial day. I can’t afford to lose any more days. This is the tightest schedule for reading I could pack in. I overslept today but woke up feeling much better, kind of relieved. May be because of the knowledge that I have now almost two months for my university exams. Or the fact that I finally met my professors before exams and didn’t screw up anything or piss them off and they didn’t seem to be too displeased with me. But whenever I think of them or that damned place, it hurts, and it hurts real badly. I was one of the toppers of my batch and pretty popular in college and hospital for right reasons most of the times. Okay I have bad temper but that’s only when somebody did something wrong in patient care, I flew off the handle whenever the patient care was compromised. But there was downside to this, my bloody useless lazy juniors always found shortcuts, but they are either rich kids or with all the contacts in dept and dean’s office, so whatever I used to do it used to come back and bite me in the ass. Oh God, again I deviated from the original line of thought. It really stings when you see less than deserving nincompoops being praised and pushed ahead and you are mercilessly pulled down. Not for ever though. I think I have mentioned earlier that I know a couple of docs with flourishing practices who have been deliberately failed in one exam or the other. So one day I will put all this behind me. But till then, this label of failure will remain stuck to my forehead. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I always start thinking of what could have been if I had not made the decision I have made in the last decade. My life would have been totally different. I know nothing can be done about it. It’s the past. I cannot go back and change it, unless someone invents the Time Machine, he he. Talking about switching times, I am running out of time in the current present. I better haul my ass up for reading. It’s a fight to finish. And hey, to all those people happen to read this blog by chance, please feel free to post comments. Your encouraging words will be appreciated, as they say even a smile from a stranger can light up your day! So please please please leave your comments, kind words or constructive criticism, all is welcome, I don't bite. I  know this blog is about me, me and me, and I sort of sound like a whino, but please that’s the purpose of this blog, to let out my steam. I also agree that its a fledgling blog and not a professional one, but still even a simple hi would be great. I am stopping just short of begging. Thanks guys for being patient with all this whining.

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

The Visit. Its Over.

Hello everyone. So I am back. To quote #Joey from #F.R.I.E.N.D.S.   How u doin’?
Today I went back to my college to drop off my wife. Felt very weird as I was returning after a long time. A mixed bag of emotions, as usual. After I left her wards, I marched up to my department. Or rather dragged myself up. All the while making multiple calls to the desk nurse and inquiring the movements of my consultants, to make my timings precise in order to avoid some people. Then I realized actually that I was trying to avoid the very person in whose vivas I blacked out. Thus I decided that there was no need for all the cloaks and dagger stuff. So I straightway walked into the department. I had beforehand information that the patient load was less but there were also silly undergrad students for their clinical postings. Rats. I didn’t want to go waltzing in there with those silly stupid kids watching all my shenanigans. So I held my head up high, took a deep breath and exhaled it out (had to tuck my tummy in, ok, don’t judge me for this) and strolled. My professor (let’s call him P2 for future references) was surprised to see me. I know he is tough nut but this time I could read his face as I was all calm and composed or at least fooled myself into believing that and not shaking and on verge of peeing in my pants. He was nice and courteous in his usual charming style. He asked me why I ran off and said failure isn’t the end of the world etc etc. The pep talk you know. He also told me that he cleared his exams at 4th attempt, yeah right. But dude, there is a fundamental difference between you and me. In my life my studies are the most important activity, while considering him I don’t think things were any different back then for him. So there you go. Don’t even compare yourself with me. Then he drops the bomb, the thing that I dreaded. He suggested with all seriousness that I should join back and see patients and attend surgeries, in official capacity, he also added that he would talk to my department head (P1 from now on) personally. This means should I should relocate to that stupid town. No way. Not over my dead body, especially as a student. I just nodded along. I walked out feeling pretty pleased with myself; I wasn’t exactly jumping up and down though. Because I had to give him a shitty story to justify my actions. Why? Why did I have to justify myself to him. It’s my life. Oh, God now I feel like kicking myself. Also he asked me to lose some weight. What the fish???? Is he blind? Can’t he see I have dropped 13 kilos? Or may be it’s not a significant amount on a huge hippo like me.
Next, I had to meet P1. I walked into his office while he was taking his laptop out. Even he was surprised to see me and a wee bit of rationed out smile escaped his mask like face. As usual our talk lasted for less than one minute. And was he busy? Noooo. Why does he treat me as if I am the scum of the earth? All he asked me whether I was studying or not this time. Duh! What the hell did I do the first time? I already wasted one year in the thesis debacle (let’s not go there right now). I said I am trying to. Thank God, at least he was aware that I have prelims from Monday. And for formality as I had promised t P2, I asked P1 whether I could come to wards for rounds and surgeries (obviously I am not going to waste my whole days in OPDs), he absent mindedly said yes. Rats. Am Stuck. While exiting his office I suddenly noticed that he was staring at my tummy ( which is way flat than before courtesy exercise, diet and some magical squishy underwear, I know the undergarment thing is very lowly lazy but hey I just use it  to augment my appearances not to fool myself into believing am getting thinner). May be I was hallucinating. But I am pretty sure he was staring at my midsection fixedly. Or he was totally lost into something. But then all he was doing was taking his laptop out of his bag. So either he looks at his bag or my face. Still the jury is out on this one.
Then when I was almost out of the hospital I remembered I should meet my unit head P3. I went to meet him in the OR. He seemed kinda busy. And cold. And distant. And I did not like it.
So that’s how it went. On the way back home I was feeling bit of relieved and a bit sad. The usual state of my mind.
Oh and one more good news, my university exams aren’t until the second week of October. So again I have one and half month to pick my act up.


PS: am not reading yet, it’s almost midnight and still haven’t started for the damned prelims. And yeah, on the weight loss front, no gym, ate sensibly whole day with three toasts and one fried egg with one mug of milk for brekkie, 3 rotis and two roasted chicken thighs, one serving of khichdi and kadhi with roasted potatoes. Pretty decent compared to the garbage I used to eat in hostel, but then here comes the catch. Had a bowl full of strawberry choco-chip ice-cream. Damn, when will I learn? 

Monday, 12 August 2013

Attack of the Blues.....

Last three days have been really weird. My mood swings were at their peak. I was yo-yoing between highs and lows. Was again down with cold, this time with sinusitis and pharyngitis. I nearly slept through the entire day for the last two days, maybe because of cold or may be because of the big D. And my nightmares are back. So is my prolonged REM sleep phase. I constantly keep on dreaming and wake up almost every hour or so. This reminds of the line from the latest Wolverine movie (went to see it today evening, kind of let down for I was expecting more of the mutant stuff). It goes like this “You seem to have a lot of night mares. Only those people who have lots of pain inside them have such nightmares" don't remember the exact words but something to this effect.
My prelims are on Monday and am still struggling to read. So much is going on inside my head, at times I feel like screaming and yelling to make it stop or even at times feel like banging my head on the wall. I have got so much to write but for that I have to sort out the thoughts in my head and organize things before I can sit down and write something sensible.
Right now am feeling the bluest of the blues. Feeling this heaviness in my chest, my mind seems clouded and I feel I might even cry at the drop of a hat. It was a wonderful dinner made by mom and wifey. It was a nice family dinner and I ate sensibly. I should be thankful for such great parents, such a loving wife and for having the cutest little kid in the world as my daughter and everyone is healthy and happy. But no, am feeling totally empty inside. I feel like that hollow Tin man. I have even stopped going to the gym, decided to start gym again only after the theory of prelims get over. So there may be lack of endorphins, the happy hormones, or rather neurotransmitters, more specifically. May be I have explanations for this. The following are the three possibilities

  1.  Wifey’s vacation ends and she has to return tomorrow to her college and hospital.  She will get to come back next only in October, which is two months away.
  2.  Prelims start on Monday and my preparations are on a shaky ground.
  3.  (this could be the actual reason) The next day I shall go to drop my wife at the college and will finally have to face my department which as I previously mentioned I ran away from and specially tomorrow being a Tuesday, I will have to run into some people whom I specifically do not want to meet, in order to get to the head of department.


Saturday, 10 August 2013

"Happy" Holidaysss

So finally, I am gathering myself up a day after Eid. The day was a mixed bag of emotions for me. My mind swung around like pendulum from end to the other of the gamut of emotions.
It was one of those days when you wake up and you feel totally lost, as to you have absolutely no idea where the hell your life is heading to. You loathe every bit of yourself, physically and mentally. You have the feeling where you just want to curl up and die in your bed, wondering why you had to wake up in the first place. With crappy thoughts running through your head, or maybe it’s the head that is messing around you. Cold, surly and snappy that’s how I began my day. Dragged myself out of bed and washed and got dressed. Felt a little better. After the Eid prayers I felt much better. Happy and stuff. But as they say every good thing has to come to an end. Ditto for my happy happy state of mind.  The bubble of my cheerfulness burst when I went to visit a few relatives early in the day with wifey dearest and darling daughter early in the day. I had spent hours trying to wiggle out of my way in doing that, but then I don’t know what got into my head and thus I went along. And thus began my painful arduous one and half hours till lunch. Sample some of these, “so what are you doing these days?”, “have you finished your studies?”, “when are you setting up your own practice?”, “so you are at home all day long?” “If you are back at home, why don’t we see you often?” and it goes on and on. Can you imagine my wretched state dodging all such questions? This reminded me of that very famous bullet dodging scene from the movie #the matrix. God help me please.

















That brings us to the lunch time. Had skipped breakfast in morning so I was pretty hungry by noon. Now let me tell you one thing, my mum is an excellent excellent excellent cook!!!! And she had cooked chicken biryani. I had to exert tremendous amounts of self control to not to indulge in gluttony and ended up having only one serving of biryani washed down with a glass of ice cream falooda (yeah, yeah, the calories, I know!!!). Still I felt pretty smug with myself for having shown such restraint. Alas, it was short-lived. After a short nap, I woke up, started feeling restless due the blues and stress acting synergistically, headed straight for the kitchen and had a plateful of biryani and scoffed two kebabs along with it. So much for the will power.
In evening went out to the local zoo but it started pouring so we headed home all drenched ( none of the smart alecs, us being that, packed even a single umbrella in the picnic basket!).  Getting drenched at the park is altogether a different story, for another time. All of those living in the monsoon regions would agree with me, the best things to have when you are cold and wet from rains are the hot piping ginger tea and hot pakoras. Well pakoras would take time to make, so we ended up frying mutton samosas and chicken spring rolls lying around in the freezer. Boy it was fun sitting in the dining room facing the front yard with the entire family watching the rain pouring down on trees outside, and the hot tea and snacks spreading warmth inside you. It warms up your heart too…..I stuffed my gut without any guilt or fear. Come on its festival time!!! Let’s not be judgmental….
You might think this might be the end, but no it isn't. Everyone in the family was full after the evening snacks except for yours truly. No, I had to have my dinner. And for dinner I again had leftover biryani (one might groan it is all rice and pretty heavy on spices, but I must tell you, it was lip smacking good). Two big servings, I just can’t draw a limit, can I? So after dinner wifey and I went for the movie #Chennai Express. Hadn't booked the tickets but managed to get the last two seats bang in the centre. No, I am not going to write review for the movie. But through the movie I had one large cheese popcorn and half of large caramel popcorn and one and half large glass of cola. Shocking, revolting, disgusting. Yeah. I am pretty ashamed of myself. Bingeing on delicious home food during festival is different that scoffing down junk food. But I blame the movie. It wasn't gripping enough for me to ignore my rumbling stomach and mumbling head. Thus it was eating, loathing and a wee bit of fun whole day. And obviously I didn't go to gym even though it was cardio day. Who the hell goes to gym on the day of festival? I am not a gym junkie.  
So that’s how I spent my Eid.

Am still alive....

Eid mubarak to one and all. Holidays are going great. Studies though, not so great. I have got so much to say but right now too busy and incoherent. Will post soon......

Thursday, 8 August 2013

The Ostrich refuses to go away........

So its Thursday today. Only eleven days left for my exams. And am still at the starting point, obviously those half hearted attempts to finish one or two topics doesn't count. Still it is zero, zilch etc. Now am getting scared. But  can’t get my ass to read. I am worse than pathetic. Every time I open my book to read events and people back at the college flash right before my eyes. I get all angry and disturbed and then shut the book and go off to sleep. Yeah right, sleep. That’s my defense mechanism. I really don’t know how I ended up doing that. My very close friend calls me ostrich for the same reason. Just the way it buries its head in sand till the storm is over.



I still have so much anger, so much resentment and pure toxic hatred inside of me that my books repel me. Actually all those students who failed were supposed to go and meet their department heads and join duties sooner or later. I came home with a leave for two days and never went back. It’s been more than three months. Planning to go and meet my head next week but still there are some people who I would never want to see. And I am pretty sure that my head of department wouldn't be pleased to see me either. He hates me. He hates me with all his gut. And I am totally clueless about it. For last six months I have been having nightmares involving him or some other professor from my department. Pretty depressing, huh, you must say. Well I have been dealing with that too. So that’s the reason why I still can’t study. And also it may have to do something with the fact that am lazy.
So enough with the study sorrows. Now about the fat fighting mission. Yesterday I did one and half hour of cardio coupled with exercises for abs.  Felt really refreshed. I love doing cardio. I know it is a boring shit and I also know that muscle workout is equally important for a faster weight loss and toning up a flabby body, but still I love the way I can push myself in cardio. I read somewhere on the internet, that an endomorph like me (that’s the body type I am supposed to have out of the three types) has better cardio endurance. So maybe that’s why.
After warm up walking on treadmill for 5 minutes, I ran for 8 minutes, walked for 2, ran again for 5 minutes, walked for 2 minutes, and then finally ran for 7 minutes before finally cooling off for 2 minutes. This was followed by 10 minutes of elliptical machine and stationary bike each. Rest of the time was filled in my floor exercises. Here is a link to those exercises. I swear they are effective. Abs Workout.
Thanks to +raz azren.
 Each day I push my boundaries. Woohoo. Something to cheer me up about.
This is great when you are trying to knock weight off your scales unless you come back home and gorge on 3 servings of lentils and yoghurt soup and 2 servings of trifle. As I have mentioned before I am not too much into this calorie counting thing, but I realize that this is way over what is called as normal. So in order to compensate for yesterday night I had only a bowl of muesli. Boring as hell, but had to eat it.

P.S. : the last pair of jeans that I bought before the last exams in February when I had got so fat that none of my old clothes fit, are now literally falling off me onto the floor if I don’t keep them hitched up with a belt. That’s the silver lining right now.

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

The silver lining....there it is....

video

Well, finally found it. This is from the show Two and Half Men season 4 episode 1 where Alan gets depressed since his second marriage has tanked and has lost all his money. It creeps me out to watch this because I did exactly the same thing when my life hit the rock bottom and had it not been for the very loving family that I have been blessed with, heavens forbid what I would have done to myself. As Alan puts its later, it was slap to the face or rather nail gun to his testicles. Whatever it may be, but there was something in this scene that hit deep inside of me. I have to get my act together not for anyone else but my kid, I owe it to her.

P.S. I think I should have put my time to better use, for studying obviously rather than wasting it locating this video, downloading video editor and editing and uploading it. What the hell is wrong with me, seriously??!!?

Still stuck.....

Its 2 pm and am still stuck where I was. At the start line. Spent last 3 hours fiddling with the blog and then linking up my blog page to a Google+ profile. Still this isn't my real name. The actual reason for not using my real name is not that I want to hide, but its in the better interests of someone close to me. I can go around and hang the wash in the public but I don't want people I really love come into the focus unknowingly or unwillingly. Time will come when I will let it all hang out and about. But it will be some time before that. Mostly a year or so. Lets see.

Cold and Blue

Dear ol' Murphy, when you wrote down your silly little bunch of laws, did you have people like ME in your mind??? That is because when finally I got down my ass to study sincerely I was hit by a terrible attack of allergic rhinitis (a case of nose deciding to run to like a water tap with no apparent reason). My nose turned into the nose of the Rudolf the red nosed reindeer. And my eyes were so puffy that I might have cried out a river. I started yesterday with pancreas and all I could finish reading were acute and chronic pancreatitis. That’s it. Just two wee little topics (okay acute one is not wee, but look at the big picture) that’s all I read. Got too tired of blowing my nose, wiping my eyes and then trying to make some sense of the written words in the book, even though it is sort of revision for me. So I thought better to take a nap. And nap it was. Snoozed through the whole evening. You know actually when you are sick you get these weird cravings? While falling asleep I terribly wanted to have a large pizza and a tub of chocolate ice cream. Don’t worry I didn’t indulge in that. Those days are far behind me, when I would actually do that hiding away from the judging eyes of the world.
Finally I have learnt not to give into my cravings. I have realized one thing that I used to eat for two reasons. Out of boredom and out of depression. Whenever I am bored, now, I divert my attention to doing something less boring (at present my life is so full of interesting things, you know) till that feeling of stuffing my mouth goes away. I have learnt to actually ask myself do I really need to eat that thing or don’t you realize how many calories that stuff has. And depression. Well yeah, it hasn’t been completely wiped off my mental slate but it’s been buried down deep beneath the layers of joy and happiness, smoldering, waiting to raise its ugly head again.
When I woke up in the evening I was too tired to go to the gym and anyways it was workout day which I don’t really dig. I prefer cardio, I find it fun. I know that muscle training is equally important for weight loss, but I find it boring as I don’t have company over there. It’s always fun when you are working out with someone. More on my gym shenanigans later.
So after iftari (Ramadan going on) I had dinner early. I scoffed on Haleem that mother dearest had cooked. I was so full that I felt I was about to burst. Felt kind of heavy. Then it hit me. For the last three dinners I had gone overboard or fallen off the wagon. But I am not the one to blame. My mum has magic in her hands. Whatever she cooks its mind blowing delicious. On Sunday it was kadhai gosht with tandoori roti, Monday we had chicken handi and yesterday it was haleem. And I overate all the three days. How could I do that? I actually had a small panic attack. With Eid coming up this weekend and wifey coming home for the holidays, things are going to get pretty out of hand.
I went back to studying but all those antihistaminic pills I took made my kind of woozy. So had a brilliant idea (some people might call it stupid, more on that later on). I hit the treadmill with vengeance and kept walking for one hour and 20 minutes. No running, because we have an ancient specimen for a treadmill, it’s quite narrow and when a huge elephant like me runs on it, it creates quite a racket and I didn’t wish to disturb others’ sleep. Hell yeah. It felt so great. I huffed and puffed my way on it while watching Two and Half Men on my cellphone season 3 episodes 10-12. That actually removes boredom from the monotonous cardio. Got all sweaty and tired. But the rush of endorphins, the feel good hormones you get, totally worth it. Now comes the bad part.
Exercising right before you sleep is never a good idea. My body got so charged up that I had difficulty in falling asleep. I just lied in my bed staring at ceiling and trying hard to keep crappy thoughts away from my head. Also it’s never a good idea to drink 5 glasses of water before you sleep. Had to get up repeatedly to pee in the night. So the sleep was crap.
Thus completing the Blues part of today’s story, I woke up at 10:30 am. I was supposed to have finished half of the chapter of esophagus but am nowhere near the starting point. I am screwed.